‘My teacher is an idiot and I’m not going to do this assignment; it’s stupid.’ Parents who have heard this from their children and don’t know how to respond will appreciate Susan Stiffelman’s new book, ‘Parenting Without Power Struggles.’ An educational therapist and family counselor who specializes in working with children and teens, Stiffleman will sign her book and answer parenting questions on January 14 at Village Books, 1049 Swarthmore Ave. Stiffleman uses a unique approach to parenting that is not found in the majority of self-help books. ‘I have probably read 50 parenting books in my life and this is the best one ever,’ Palisadian Christine Steele wrote on the Amazon blog. In an interview with the Palisadian-Post, Stiffleman explained that many parenting books are based on the idea of manipulating a child. The Malibu-based counselor has developed a different technique, which starts with parents examining their beliefs and thoughts and why their children push their ‘buttons.’ One woman came to her office with her two daughters and announced that her children were driving her crazy. Stiffleman sent the girls out to play, and explained to the mother that she needed to understand her own family history and child-rearing ideas first. ‘My work is about having parents look at themselves,’ she said. ‘Parents need to learn not to be reactive. Once they accomplish that, they have a genuine authority that kids respond to.’ She emphasizes that parents need to be the ‘pack’ leader, and offers suggestions to prevent an escalating struggle. Using a visual image of two hands, Stiffleman asks what happens if a person puts up a palm to your hand and pushes it. You push back. She said that happens when you push a child to do something, they push back or refuse, but, she adds, this doesn’t have to happen. ‘Kids cooperate when they feel close to you and when you make a request from a sense of connectedness,’ she said. ‘A child who is securely attached to you is far more inclined to follow your direction.’ Stiffleman speaks about ‘Act I’ and ‘Act II’ questions or comments that can go a long way in diffusing a situation and encouraging even the surliest of teenagers to open up. If a child calls the teacher stupid, a parent will most likely go to Act II, saying something like ‘Your teacher is qualified and knows the subject.’ Stiffleman says that is a left-logical, rational brain response, but the kid, in his or her frustration and anger, is using the right brain, which is not built for logical language. A parent might instead use an Act I response like, ‘Oh, sweetie,’ or ‘What’s it like to be you?’ ‘I call it my comic book language because a parent uses minimal words and is empathetic,’ Stiffleman said, noting it’s not the right time to offer advice or take what a child says personally. By staying calm and remaining in control of the situation, a parent can get to the heart of the issue. ‘We try to rush to the punch line, Act II, and solve the problem,’ she said, adding that if a child explodes, parents can view that as a time to find out more information about what is going on with their child. Stiffleman has a 19-year-old son, who is a freshman at American University in Washington majoring in peace and conflict resolution, as part of the international studies program. She also writes a column on parenting on AOL. Visit: www.passionateparenting.net. Contact: 310-454-4063. features@palipost.com
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