Proceed and Prevail! That is the signature line of Palisadian Angela Wilder, who recently wrote her first book: ‘Powerful Mate Syndrome: Reclaiming Your Strength and Purpose When Your Partner Is the Star of the Relationship.’ The book is aimed toward women (and men) who are in relationships where they feel less powerful than their partner. Calling herself the ‘Reality Godmother,’ she admonishes women to let go of the fantasy of the princess whose prince will rescue her, and guides them to take responsibility for themselves. ”Wilder, a marriage and family therapy intern and former NBA wife who has personally experienced what she writes about, will sign her book and speak on Wednesday, October 27 at 7:30 p.m. at Village Books, 1049 Swarthmore. ”Wilder met basketball player James Worthy when they were both students at the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill. They maintained a long-distance relationship after he was drafted by the Lakers, and until she moved to L.A. in 1984 to marry. The couple divorced in 1996. ”’When I was first married, I thought, ‘Wouldn’t it be great if someone wrote a book about what you’re entering into?” she recalls. ”Wilder, whose ambition since she was a young girl was to be Barbara Walters, found herself giving up many parts of herself and feeling insignificant in comparison to her husband, who had a high-paying, successful basketball career. ”’A lot of athlete’s wives feel almost unentitled to have a life of their own,’ says Wilder, who mentions some of the other challenges of being an NBA wife. ‘It’s not a world where marital fidelity is greatly encouraged. You’re always dealing with people who want to be a part of your world for all the wrong reasons, and it’s hard to know whom to trust.’ ”’There were wonderful parts of it too,’ she adds. ‘There are some experiences I will treasure forever.’ ”In her book, Wilder shares her own experience and that of many others she’s talked to who have been in relationships with powerful mates. She is quick to point out that that doesn’t necessarily mean their mate is rich or famous’they could be important in the community, have a forceful personality, or be powerful in their mate’s eyes. ”’I didn’t feel empowered to pursue my own interests,’ she said. ‘I bought into the idea I was supposed to be a princess. Princesses are not empowered people. I sought his approval for everything, and I thought I had to be less, in order for him to be more.’ A member of Screen Actors Guild, she worked occasionally as an actress during their marriage. ‘I would audition every now and then, but if it conflicted with a game or something he was doing, I turned it down.’ Wilder points out that this isn’t something her husband told her to do, but a choice she made on her own for which she takes responsibility. ”She says that the male partner, if he is the powerful one, often doesn’t like being in that situation either. ‘I’ve had many men respond positively to the book. I don’t think men want princesses either, or to be burdened with the responsibility for their partner’s happiness.’ ”In the book, she identifies the aspects of Powerful Mate Syndrome, which she calls ‘the other PMS,’ and offers a plan for individuals and couples to take back their own power, including couples creating a ‘game plan’ for the relationship. ”’Proceed and Prevail’ could also apply to the author herself. Perseverance was an important part of her writing the book and getting it published. The mother of Sable, 14, and Sienna, 12, both Windward students, Wilder began writing her book five years ago during her children’s orthodontist appointments, gymnastic lessons and soccer practices. ”When she began the book she was also a graduate student in psychology at Antioch University. ‘Even busy, busy moms, if there’s a book in you, it may take you a decade to do it, but you can do it,’ she says. ”’Who I am with my daughters is very real and up front,’ Wilder says. ‘I think it’s more rewarding and fun to be a real woman than be a princess.’ ”When she married Worthy, Wilder was immediately in a situation where she had money at her disposal, without any experience in how to handle it wisely. ”She believes it’s important for women in a relationship with a powerful mate to take part in caring for the finances, and to have her own funds, as well as a job or volunteer work of her own”something you can call your own.’ ”She has seen many women married to a wealthy, powerful man go to work, including herself: ‘I want to counter the fairy godmother. People are empowered by a dose of reality.’ ”One dose of reality she gives her readers is to suggest that people begin a relationship with an end in mind. ‘Every marriage is going to end someday [due to death or divorce]. If people realize the truth in that, they’ll have more fulfilling relationships.’
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