QUESTION: My 10-year-old daughter still carries around her old teddy bear, Fuzzy, which she’s had since she was a toddler. She’s too old, right? How do I help her learn that it’s time for Fuzzy to retire?
BBB: There is something sweet about the relationship your daughter has with Fuzzy. Believe it or not, I know adults who still have the Fuzzies of their youth or their tattered and torn blankies tucked away in a box of treasures from days gone by.
But your daughter is old to still be carrying Fuzzy around. It’s outside the realm of typical for a 10-year-old to need her “transitional object” with her at all times.
Transitional objects play an important role in young children’s lives. They enable the child to begin the delicate process of separation—child from parent—as he starts down the road of becoming an autonomous human being. He makes the emotional transition from dependence to independence.
Most children have either a beloved animal, blanket (that morphs into a tattered rag), even the satin trim of Mommy’s nightgown. But almost anything can become a transitional object.
I have had clients whose children use a parent’s long hair for soothing and falling asleep. I even had a client whose son used his mommy’s tummy as his transitional object, rubbing it when he felt stressed.
These “lovies” work because they feel good. Their familiarity brings comfort, soothes and reassures the child that “everything is going to be okay.”
It is a very sensory thing to a child, who loves not only its feel as he caresses, strokes or rubs it but also its smell. They can get powerfully ripe, and the stronger the odor, the more the child loves it. It’s his! Don’t even dare to put it in the wash!
Most children attach to a transitional object between 8 and 12 months. Some children, however, have none at all. Try as a parent might, the child doesn’t attach to anything in particular. There is nothing wrong with that.
Having a transitional object does not signal weakness or need for the very young child. It is a useful coping mechanism. However, most children stop dragging them around (can you picture Linus and his blanket?) when they start preschool.
Many children actually use their blankies to transition to preschool, but they leave them in their cubbies. Pretty soon, it no longer comes to school, instead being left in bed where it is still the sleep helper.
Typically, by the time the child finishes preschool, the transitional object lives in his bed, and soon thereafter is retired altogether.
We know that all behaviors are motivated. Nothing happens for no reason. So you need to begin by acknowledging that Fuzzy is meeting a need. Then the hard part begins—figuring out just what need Fuzzy is meeting.
Does your daughter have trouble separating from you? Is she a particularly attached child? Is she a slow-to-warm up child who uses Fuzzy to help cross a threshold and get comfortable?
Other questions that could help you to uncover your answer might be: Has it always been this way? Was there ever a time that Fuzzy was left at home? Have there been any changes in your daughter’s life? Lots of them? There are many more questions.
It is likely that your daughter’s constant use of her beloved Fuzzy is a sign of a different emotional need that could use some attention.
A conversation with your child’s pediatrician or a child development specialist (someone like me) would be a good idea. You are right to pay attention. The time is now.
Betsy Brown Braun, M.A. is a Child Development and Behavior Specialist (infants to teens), a Parent Educator and Multiple Birth Parenting Specialist. Betsy consults with parents privately, runs parenting groups, seminars and workshops for parents, teachers and other professionals. She is the author of the bestselling “Just Tell Me What to Say” and has been featured on the “Today Show.” Betsy and Ray Braun, Palisades residents for 38 years, are the parents of adult triplets and have five grandchildren, so far.
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