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Welcome to the club of parents who are worried and upset that their children are “lying.” At some point in their children’s growing years, all parents have some concerns that their child is not telling the truth. It is so much a part of parenting that I devoted many pages to the topic in both my books, “Just Tell Me What to Say” and “You’re Not the Boss of Me.” Sounds like it’s time for you to sit down with one of them.

Even though we all know that lying is not OK, please believe this: Everyone lies. That doesn’t make it OK, but it is the truth (Hah!). Just have a look at some of our politicians these days. Does the whole truth even exist? People twist reality more often than anyone would like to believe. There are variations of “the truth.” While I agree with the need to teach your children the importance of honesty, I want to tweak your reactions and expectations.

There are all kinds of reasons for the lack of truth telling, or bending reality, as I chose to call it when dealing with young children. As I describe with much more detail in both of my books, there is a developmental component to children’s lying. Early on children explore their reality in many ways, including shaping their own reality as they wish it were. Our youngest children are just learning the difference between reality and fantasy. As they get older, some children simply want a different reality to exist, so they claim it. Some want just to try out something they have observed in others, and they are curious. Of course, the older they get the more aware children are of the consequences of their choices. Not wanting to endure those, to get in trouble, they lie. “Yes, Mommy, I brushed my teeth.” “No, I didn’t hit my sister.”

Just understand the following: There is always a reason for lying. And often there is a circumstance or behavior that needs to be tackled. When you address the reason for the lie, you stand a great chance of eliminating that kind of lying. Many parents, however, skip the reason and go right for the lying. While dishonesty should be addressed, you are better off not giving it the most attention. Over emphasizing the lying will override and can sabotage any other behavioral change you might want to create.

With our youngest children, it is advisable to go right for the reality. Do not dwell on the lie.

In the case of the child who denies hitting, assume he did hit. In our family, it is never OK to hit. Maybe you both need a break from one another. The next time you need help with your sister, please ask me.

For a random, made up story: I know how much you would like to go for a ride on a motorcycle. Maybe one day that will happen … In response to your child’s claiming to a friend that he went on a motorcycle.

In response to the claim that he did brush his teeth: I know you don’t like brushing your teeth. But you need to go brush now. Would you like my help?

And finally, that nut allergy: I think there are kids in your class who have nut allergies, aren’t there? Are you wondering what that would be like?

When your child does tell you the whole, real story, be sure to praise him for that. I am glad you told me the real story is always a useful phrase. And remember, kids really do love to be caught doing the right thing.

When we are talking about older children and lying, that is for a whole different column!

BBB is a child development and behavior specialist in Pacific Palisades. She can be reached through betsybrownbraun.com.