Ask BBB

Q:What should a parent do if their child gets angry at other kids’ emotions? Is this common? I have no idea but my 5-year-old can’t handle other kids being emotional or having a tantrum without getting angry and wanting to rush off to be alone or yelling at them. How do you talk to a kid that has a hard time understanding other kids’ emotions?

Raising children is so complicated. Yours is a question which leads to more questions. We know that nothing happens for no reason; we know that all behaviors are motivated by something. Our job is to figure out what is underneath the behavior.

On top of that, all children are different. While two may be exhibiting a similar behavior, it can easily be for different reasons. This is why we always look at the whole child. We see the child in a context—in terms of his/her temperament and genetics, in terms of what is going on for the child or what has gone on previously.

An area to cultivate in all children starting from an early age is emotional literacy. This includes children becoming familiar with their own feelings and those of others. It means recognizing the feeling and giving it a name. Beyond that, it means learning what we do with those feelings, how we express them (appropriately) and how we move beyond the ones that feel negative.

You can probably picture the 2-year-old sitting on his mommy’s lap, looking up at her face and saying, “You happy, Mommy?” This is the child recognizing and naming an emotion … and maybe even worrying that his mommy isn’t happy. (Children learn at an age what happens when a parent is unhappy with them, and they don’t like it.)

Unfortunately, most children are taught just three feelings: happy, sad and mad. But there are so many more feelings: frustrated, worried, surprised, irritated, to name a few. They are also taught that there is one single feeling that they are supposed to be: happy. And, if the child isn’t happy, then something is wrong and needs to be fixed.

Truth be told, no one is always happy. And happy really shouldn’t be our goal. Rather, kids need to learn that being “fine” or neutral is the goal. We get elevated one way or the other and then go back to neutral.

I don’t have any idea what is going on with your 5-year-old. But it is clear that elevated feelings make him really uncomfortable. I am curious to know what he does when you yourself are not neutral? What happens when you are unhappy with him? How does he handle his own big feelings? As I said, many questions.

While it is not out of the realm of the way kids react, I agree that your child needs help. In much the same way that our mirror neurons kick in when we react in concert with emotions we are seeing (smiling when someone smiles; crying when someone cries), he is feeling deeply and uncomfortably when he sees a “big feeling” in another child, matching that child’s expression.

I believe he needs more exposure to a variety of emotions, emotional reactions and expressions, and not less. He needs help processing and navigating what he is seeing and experiencing. He needs an adult to interpret whatever is going on. “Billy is so upset because he couldn’t have a turn on the bike. He is crying and yelling. It is so loud! He is getting out his big feelings. Billy will be fine in a few minutes. And YOU are just fine right now. I will stay right here with you.”

I also think it will be useful to model having big feelings and expressing them appropriately. You could drop or break a dish and loudly say, “Darn it! That makes me so angry! I am really, really upset. Garrumph!” Or in the car, “That guy cut me off in traffic. That really makes me frustrated!” using a big voice and maybe pound the steering wheel. I believe you may need to normalize big feelings and big reactions for him.

There may be more going on. This is just a first stab. Good luck!

BBB is a child development and behavior specialist in Pacific Palisades. She can be reached through betsybrownbraun.com.