Ask BBB

Q:Any suggestions for how to make my daughter a better participant in group games and accept not always being first? She likes to make everything a game but only she can be first.

Yours is an interesting and not uncommon question. But you haven’t mentioned the age of your daughter. I also wonder if she is your first born or maybe an only child. These variables play a role in your question and in my answer.

You began by asking how you might encourage your daughter to join in group games. There are always reasons for this kind of reluctance. Do have any ideas about the answer?

I am frequently asked about children who don’t want to participate in team sports, which is born from group games. With very young children—2s, 3s and sometimes 4s—just the ability to be part of a team may not even have begun to develop, let alone be understood. Both the joy and satisfaction from moving toward a goal with others is a social skill that develops over time.

Sometimes a child’s temperament undermines his willingness to participate in a team activity or sport. It is just not his style, and he may feel so uncomfortable. Sometimes a child lacks confidence in his ability in that particular activity or he may be slow in his developmental thereof. Maybe he hasn’t had much experience with group action. There is always a reason. It is the parents’ job to figure out what may be underneath the refusal, and that is not always easy. But remember, nothing happens for no reason.

Just know that team sports are certainly not a have-to. But the great experience of being a part of a group with a common goal can be realized through participation in other kinds of teams. A theater production is a team. Group projects, often through school, are also teams of a sort. So are Girl or Boy Scouts (the latter of which girls can now join!). It is the team-ness that is important. It offers the opportunity not only to work together but also to enjoy a shared success or share the disappointment of not “winning.”

If your child is not a group or team joiner, however, don’t push too hard. She just may not be comfortable. You can sure give it a try with just one friend, then expanding to three. (Even numbers are always better and easier for the participants.) You can also help to accustom the child to playing in a group if you start doing it together with him. (Father/son basketball, etc.) Daddy is kind of your buffer to start.

And you wonder what’s up with your child always needing to be first. Around 18 months to 2 years old and thereafter the child realizes that she actually has a voice and a choice. She learns the power she has in saying NO! and in refusing to do what Daddy asks. She can even make steam come out of his ears when he wants to change her diaper. That’s when many a parent begins the practice of creating games and races and competitions to move things along and just get the teeth brushed! Let’s see who will be first to the bath; let’s see who will be first to get pajamas on, you or your brother. This technique surely works, but it also whets the child’s appetite for the thrill of winning and the agony of defeat! And seldom does Daddy win, or better I should say, the child loses.

In addition, as the child reaches 5 years old (or thereabouts), we see the emergence of bad sport behaviors, aka the “sore loser.” There is the child who tosses the Candyland board when he doesn’t get the ice cream sandwich. There’s the one who storms off to pout, declaring “I’m NOT playing!” And then there’s the plain old meltdown into tears when he doesn’t come in first. Believe it or not, this really is a stage that accompanies other developments. When the child’s mathematical brain grows to understand NUMBERS and ORDER, he gets that what he isn’t is first. And he sure doesn’t like that!

In addition, the child’s ability to appreciate the joy that another feels in being first just hasn’t developed. This goes right along with his growing empathy and lack thereof. I don’t care if he is first. I want to be first! And sometimes it is so hard for the child to accept that, upon losing he will say, “Let’s both be first!”

Winning is the ultimate accomplishment to the child. The world sets them up for that. Just think about how we question our kids about their games. Did you get a goal? How many baskets did you score? Did your team win?

While there is, as you can see, a developmental component to accepting not being first, the sting of second place is one that even grown-ups feel, long after childhood. The only difference is that bigger kids (and adults) don’t have meltdowns. I suggest that, starting today, you make sure that your child is not always first. Start practicing allowing her to be second and beyond. In the beginning she will not be happy. Show happiness in her great efforts at running and how fast she is becoming. You are helping her to learn to tolerate disappointment which is a critical lesson in growing up.

Finally, knowing that a child’s normal development has everything to do with how she accepts the outcome of a competition, I remind you always to have reasonable expectations for your daughter. Growing to accept not being first is part of growing up. Just make sure you are not undermining her ability to learn the lesson by making her “first” all the time.

BBB is a child development and behavior specialist in Pacific Palisades. She can be reached through betsybrownbraun.com.