Ask BBB

Q:My brother-in-law is opting to go to a 90-day in-patient rehab program. My husband does not want to tell our 7- and 9-year-olds all of the details, but I think they are old enough to know the truth. How much do you think they are ready to know?

What a tough situation your brother-in-law and your whole family are in. The plague of drug and alcohol addiction is just that, a plague. And sadly, you are far from the only family who is in the same position. I have helped many families in which one member is struggling with the ravages of addiction. I am not sure which tears up the family more: the extended absence of the afflicted member in rehab or the troubled behaviors of the addict while living in the family. Without question, both profoundly affect the family.

In answering your question, it is important to know why your husband doesn’t want your children to know the story of what is going on with their uncle. Perhaps it is just too painful a reality for him to face, and he is protecting himself by not telling the children. Maybe he is embarrassed. But I am guessing that he feels the kids are too young to know about addiction, which is, sadly, a reality of life these days. What your husband may not realize is that your children already know that something is going on.

Children are barometers of the environment in which they live. And they absorb everything that is going on around them. This is true of children from babies to adults. First of all, your children know you, the parents, better than you can imagine. They sense your moods and mood changes, and they pick up on all your emotions. Your children are always watching you, absorbing you, listening to you. They especially listen to those conversations you are trying to hide. I am pretty sure they already know something is up.

It is said that parents are the child’s first teacher. This expression does not refer to school learning; it is life learning. And as your children grow, they need to be able count on you to tell them the whole, real story, whatever it might be. This is the message you need to give them: Come to me with all your questions. There is no question too big for your mom or dad. We will always tell you the truth. Unanswered questions lead to unasked questions. If your children don’t feel that you will always answer all their questions, I promise you they will get their answers elsewhere. That includes the playground and friends and friends’ older siblings!

Your children need to hear from you both what is going on with their uncle. It is a part of your family story to which they are being exposed. I am sure you would rather they know the truth from you than depend upon partial facts they may have overheard or stories their cousins have shared. The way to begin the conversation is to find out what they might have heard.

“I think you may have heard that something is going on with Uncle Bobby? I want to share with you what is happening. But first, please share with me what is your idea about it? What have you heard or what do you think?”

Knowing what the children know allows you, first and foremost, to correct any misinformation they may have heard or conjured up. You can continue the explanation from there.

“Yes, it is true that Uncle Bobby is going to be spending time away from home. He and Aunt Allison are still married, and he is still cousin Stevie’s daddy. It is not true that Uncle Bobby is leaving his family forever. Uncle Bobby is having a problem with his body that he needs help to take care of.”

Of course, I have no idea what the nature of the addiction is, so I will stop giving you narratives. The content and extent of your explanation depends not only on the problem but also on your children’s ages and development. You will need to create an age-appropriate explanation. By that I mean one that they can understand. It is does not mean one that hides the truth. Your children need to hear about alcohol and what it does to your brain and body. Or, if it is drugs, they need to hear about people who take medicine that is not prescribed for them. They need to know the truth of what happened and how it gets fixed.

The biggest problem with parents’ explanations is that they tend to say too much. The words that you say and how you say them do make a difference. You both need to carefully and thoughtfully create your script.

There are many easy-to-find child size explanations online. Organizations like the Partnership for a Drug Free America is just one of many to which you can turn for scripts. (And you can always make an appointment with me! This is an area of specialization for me.) But the time is now. The more you don’t say, the more they will imagine.

BBB is a child development and behavior specialist in Pacific Palisades. She can be reached through betsybrownbraun.com.