Ask BBB

Q:I’m sort of at a loss with how to handle my 8-year-old. Two things that have been happening more frequently are he is becoming increasingly defiant when he doesn’t want to do something, like take a shower or do his homework, and he is mean to his sister. We have tried to physically separate them, but it’s not possible all of the time. Any advice for how to help him?

When a child is defiant or misbehaves s/he is giving you a message that screams I need help! Something isn’t right for me! As annoying or difficult as the child might be, it is our job as the parent to figure out what is going on. The defiance or the misbehavior is just the manifestation of an underlying problem. Unless you address that issue, the defiance will continue. You just can’t keep putting a bandage on an infection without treating it.

We have been living in crazy, really challenging times. It has been difficult for parents and for children. While the child-size problems may not seem a big deal to an adult, they create all kinds of disruptions for the child and what he is driven developmentally to be doing. I am assuming that these pandemic times are contributing to the problems.

Some of what characterizes an 8-year-old are his robust energy level, the speediness with which he seems to do things—eats fast, moves fast (except brushing teeth, etc … !), and his expansiveness. He is a big presence and can have a big personality, too. We also know that eights are sensitive creatures who don’t like to be told what to do. They thrive on praise and don’t do well with criticism or judgment. The most interesting thing about eights is that they really need attention from their moms. So, you heard it! Your son just might be behaving like he is supposed to.

You mentioned that you have another child to whom your 8-year-old is mean. I’m going to guess that those two are really getting in one another’s hair. Likely, they have had too much togetherness during these past pandemic months. Maybe they even share a room? Their sibling relationship is not getting diluted by his peer friendships. It’s just too much.

So, before suggesting how to handle the defiance, let’s take a stab at the underlying problem. I think this guy just might need more alone time and attention from his mom (or his dad). Rather than spending so much time together as a family, you can begin by creating separate times: have separate parent/child meals; go on separate parent/child outings, etc. Do your best to separate the two kids more than just by being in different physical spaces. Fill their mommy tanks up. Your eight just might be thriving on the negative attention he is getting from you.

Speaking to your child’s defiance, I am thinking that he is not feeling that he has control of much. There have been so many have-to’s during this time. Do this. Come here. You haven’t done this yet. Instead of sending him to brush his teeth, for example, ask him, “What is your plan for brushing your teeth? When are you going to do that?” And follow it with, “Do you want me to remind you?” You can ask the same question about the shower or even about homework. When we enlist our children in making plans for themselves, they will be much more willing to follow through.

Many parents have gotten in the sometimes destructive habit of giving a consequence for every misstep, “What should I do when he … ?” Maybe it’s time to stop reacting negatively and start to empathize. As I said above, this is a hard time for kids. And they need to know that you understand how frustrated they feel, how unhappy they might be. “I know you really hate it when I ask you to do so many things. I know I am annoying. I really am sorry. Why don’t you just skip your shower tonight, and let’s read together in bed?” Believe it or not, you stand a much greater chance of cooperation by validating his feelings than you do by bossing him around. And I am sure when he is feeling better about himself, he will be far less likely to be mean to his sister.

BBB is a child development and behavior specialist in Pacific Palisades. She can be reached through betsybrownbraun.com.