Ask BBB

Q:My kid has been super into being “first” in everything we do. It is an obsession, and he explodes if he doesn’t get his way. I am wondering what is the best way to navigate this?

Allow me to reassure you that your child wanting to be first at everything is well within the range of normal. It is a worry I hear from many parents, as the desire seems so powerful and makes the child appear to be needy, to say nothing of drives us nuts. Here we go again with another case of normal … but not fun to live with.

First born and only children seem to reach this stage in the 4-year old-ish period. It can be awakened at school through competitive peers. Sometimes it is sooner, as the second born (if there is one) starts to present as a threat to #1’s superiority and role as king of the kids. Younger siblings tend to get there sooner, always reaching to keep up with the older sib, even though that guy really adores his big brother. So, the answer to your question is that there is no 100% fix to normal.

You didn’t share your child’s age nor his place in the family. Is he an only child? Each of these things would help in knowing how to address your issue. Sibling rivalry? Both parents working in addition to their work as parents, outside the home? Is the competitive child having feelings of inadequacy? Is winning the race the best way for him to feel good? There are a lot of variables to consider.

A child’s desire to be first is different from his need to be best, have the most or the biggest, and just be top of the heap in his mind. While in the same ball park, it is different because the desire to be first develops as part of the child’s growing cognitive abilities. It is same part of his brain that I refer to as his “math brain.” There can be a first and a last; there is a measurable order to things. He gets in now.

Another part of the child that takes a leap around 4 years is his empathy. He knows how it feels to be first … and not first. You can often hear two children this age (usually peers and not siblings) say, “Let’s both be first.”

How to navigate this less-than-desirable behavior is a fair question, especially when it ends in a tantrum. (You notice I did not say “fix.”) Please know that your child’s “obsession” will lessen in time. You need to start with removing some of the opportunities for the race. Perhaps the competitive behavior is someone being encouraged. Nonetheless, it is easy to see how the behavior gets habituated. Often times parents will try to make a game with a child in order to get him to do something in a timely manner. “Let’s see who can be first to the bathroom. Let’s race!” Out of desperation the parent uses racing as a means to getting the ball rolling on bath time. “Hah, hah! I won!” Being first is the greatest, the child thinks. Racing like this promotes the habit and the problem. With the young child a different sort of game gets you to the same place. “What kind of creature are you going to be taking a bath? I am a dinosaur.” By doing so you begin to break the racing habit.

With an older child, sometimes absolutely ignoring that claim of “I was first” is the best choice. Maybe you need to take the thrill out of being first. It shouldn’t move the needle at all. But for sure that child is meeting a need and getting something out of his races. Perhaps the attention you are giving your child is what he wants, fueling the behavior every time. A simple acknowledgment of “Yes, I know being first is important to you” does the trick.

You have shared that tantrums are your child’s go-to reaction when he isn’t first. I am hoping you realize that changing the outcome of the “race” or giving in after a tantrum should never happen. Children need to experience and get through these kinds of disappointments in order to learn to tolerate them.

That your child goes to the dark side when he is not first is what you want to figure out. Nobody likes to be a loser, least of all children. Accepting that reality is hard for many kids. And it leads to outward expressions (sometimes inappropriate in magnitude) of big, hard feelings. Know that the time to talk about these tantrums is NOT when your child is in the throes of it. When anyone is emotionally elevated it is never a time for talk, as the prefrontal cortex, the thinking part of the brain, is shut down. Find a time when the (older) child is in a calm state to have a talk. This talk starts with your acknowledgment of how much he doesn’t like it when he isn’t first. “You really want to be first. I get it. And you really don’t like it when you are not first.” Pause and let that sink in. The child knows you are on his side. “Sometimes when you are not first you have a huge fuss. I don’t think that helps, do you? Does it change the outcome? Does that make you be first?” Follow his lead on this one, and let him talk about it and be mad. Move on to talk about what he CAN do to get his mad feelings out. “It really is okay to be mad. But having a big fuss really doesn’t work. Let’s figure out a way to get those mad feelings out.” Then go over what those might be.

Look for ways for this child to feel good, proud and successful that do result from a competition. Paying attention to his successes builds their value and his sense of self.

How I wish I could wave a magic wand and make this stage go away for you. But if I could, you would miss out on all the fun and fantastic things you are experiencing with your kids at this age. Say to yourself, “This too will pass.”

BBB is a child development and behavior specialist in Pacific Palisades. She can be reached through betsybrownbraun.com.