QUESTION: My daughter is one month shy of turning 2. She has started having multiple meltdowns a day where she screams and cries and is basically inconsolable. Is this normal? Is she upset because she has a baby brother now or should we look for other reasons, like tummy pain or ear pain? Her being upset seems to be the norm now. Please advise.
BBB: I’m quite sure that many parents nod their heads in agreement when it comes to two-year-olds and meltdowns. Welcome to typical development! There are a variety of reasons that twos melt down. First of all, imagine how it looks from the two’s perspective:
The world is big, and I am small. I want to do everything I see everyone else doing. The whole, big world is full of opportunity for me. I want to touch, taste, throw and investigate everything within reach. I am an explorer!
But everywhere she turns, she hears NO! Here comes the Meltdown!
The two-year-old learns by experience and interaction. She learns what she can do by doing what she cannot do. Just being told NO! doesn’t do it. She has to try again and again to make sure NO really means NO all the time. She is learning the rules of the road, and there are roadblocks everywhere. So she becomes frustrated all the time. Meltdown!
Her development gets in the way too. She really wants to fit that giant bear into that tiny box, and it doesn’t work. She tries really hard and gets so frustrated. Meltdown!
Her language is just blossoming. But she can’t fully (if at all) express what she wants or needs or feels. Meltdown!
Frustration is at the bottom of so many meltdowns. That and Lousy Local Conditions—when the environment sabotages the child’s ability to be her best self. She’s hungry, has been to too many birthday parties in one day, skipped her nap, was dragged on too many errands. Meltdown!
To top it all off, you brought another baby into the home. How dare you! To the two-year-old, you are her parents, and now she has to share you. Meltdown!
These meltdowns are part of the reason that twos are also called “Terrible Twos.” (For the record, I don’t agree. I think they are “Terrific Twos,” as the child is doing exactly as she was programmed.)
Dealing with a two-year-old takes great patience, consistency, calm and understanding. I suggest three things:
First, be sure that you are spending enough plain old time with your two. No directing or correcting. Put away the iPhone; hand off the baby; give her 100 percent of your attention. Get down on her level, get into her world, follow her lead, play her game as she directs. Do this for just 20 uninterrupted minutes once a day or even every other day. You will be filling up her tank with mommy-goodness.
Second, have a look at Harvey Karp’s book “The Happiest Toddler on the Block.” It will help.
Third, be sure to take care of yourself. If your cupboard is bare, you will have nothing left to share. That surely will lead to your own meltdown.
Now, go call The Massage Place on Sunset.
QUESTION: My 5th-grade daughter keeps bugging me to get her a cell phone, but I’m not sure she’s mature enough to handle the responsibility, and I worry about things like cyber-bullying. Should I make her wait or give in?
BBB: What is the right age for kids to get cell phones or iPads, shave their legs, go to the mall alone, start sleepovers, etc…? These are all questions with which every parent will be faced at some point. Best to be prepared than to be caught offguard and shoot from the hip.
Younger children look ahead and yearn for what the big kids have and do. Look at fashion. The target market for Abercrombie and Fitch, for example, is 18-22 year olds. But it’s the tweens who crave their style.
I am happy to say, there is no 100 percent, no absolutely right answer to any of these questions. Whether it is a permission or a possession, the answer depends upon your child and you. And for sure, the wrong answer is whatever your best friend has done with her kids or says to do.
Today’s cell phones are complex devices; they’re not just telephones. And there is much to consider. It is important to keep in mind that when a child holds a smartphone (and let’s face it, your child only wants a fancy phone; the flip phone will not do!), he has in his hand a computer – a powerful communication and production tool. He has tremendous reach, access, exposure and vulnerability.
Parents have to deal with not only when to grant permission to own a cell phone, but also with what functions to allow, not to mention apps and, most of all, safety issues that accompany the device. This is tricky business.
Your answers to the following questions will help you to determine your child’s readiness:
Does your child need a cell phone? Does he need to be in touch for medical or emergency reasons? Is there no other way for him to be in touch? Does he need a cell phone because he has a bi-nuclear family (divorced, living separately)?
How independent is your child?
How responsible is your child? Does he follow through with your requests? Does he meet his responsibilities without repeated reminders? Is he responsible with his possessions? Does he accept and admit responsibilities for his missteps? Does your child understand the idea of the logical consequences of his choices?
Does your child respect and follow your family rules (pretty much)?
Does your child generally accept your limits and boundaries? Does your child understand and respect the limits that you may have on other things – bedtimes, iPad usage, TV watching and more.
Does your child understand the concept of time/cost limits for cell use?
Does your child have an allowance? An allowance attached to specific responsibilities is an excellent way for children to grasp value. And I believe children need to contribute to the monthly costs incurred.
Most experts today agree that middle school can be a good time to grant initial cell phone permission if your child has the maturity and development, as determined by the above questions. But in truth, the answer depends upon each individual child.
Betsy Brown Braun, bestselling author of the award-winning book “Just Tell Me What to Say” and “You’re Not the Boss of Me” is a child development and behavior specialist, parenting expert and multiple birth parenting consultant. She consults with parents privately and runs parenting groups, seminars and workshops for parents, teachers and other professionals. She is a frequent guest on radio and television – including the “Today Show,” “Good Morning America” and “The Rachael Ray Show” – and her parenting expertise has been featured in numerous print publications, websites and blogs. She and Ray Braun, Palisades residents for 38 years, are the parents of adult triplets and have three grandchildren, so far. Visit: betsybrownbraun.com, Facebook.com/BetsyBBraun and Twitter @BetsyBBraun.
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