Q:I am having a hard time with my kids, 4 and 6, after they come home from a weekend with Grandma and Grandpa. I appreciate that they get spoiled there with extra sweets and staying up later than usual, but it makes it that much harder to get back into our routine. How can I explain to my kids that things are different at home, without spoiling their fun?
I hear you loud and clear! A visit to Grandma’s or Auntie’s or Godmother’s or anywhere with less stringent boundaries often leads to a difficult adjustment back to reality. Many a parent has shared this problem with me.
Rather than starting with what to do, let’s start by shifting your thinking a bit. There isn’t a child alive who wouldn’t love the kind of visit to which you are referring. How wonderful that your children have grandparents close by who are willing to take them for a weekend! You are, truly, a lucky pup. Imagine those who don’t have parents on whom to rely, whose children are not getting that extra dose of over indulgence and loving care.
There was a time when I taught a seminar I called, “In laws and Outlaws.” I offered it to grandparents only and to their adult children separately. Guess what? The one for the adult children was packed. Questions like yours abounded. The one for the grandparents was quite poorly attended! Those grannies already knew what they wanted to do and weren’t about to listen to me! As I said, yours is a common issue.
While you can try to enlist your parents understanding help (and sympathy), my guess is that their change is unlikely. Truth is, I never break my adult children’s rules. But I know I am the exception.
I do not hear you complaining about what is happening at the grandparents’ house. Your question is about the transition once they are home. So, my response to how to ease the transition back has first to do with the appreciation and understanding for how much they are getting from grandparent time and how much they love it.
I imagine you have discussed the difficult reentry with the kids already. I am also guessing that those conversations are flavored with your displeasure. Likely, they can sense your disapproval of their behavior upon their return. Maybe you have threatened them with stopping the visits if they continue to “not listen” or whatever it is they aren’t or are doing. A different kind of conversation is in order. I believe it involves two important things.
First, it will make a big difference if you acknowledge what fun they have, what they are able to do at Granny’s, how much they love it. All of this is said with absolutely no judgement. Validate how there are different rules than you have at home, etc. … and that is fine when they are there. How lucky they are, you say.
Second, you need to share the issue with them. It is a quasi-problem-solving session. Explain the problem from your perspective, using a tone that, again, is not judgmental and really asks for help. “It is so hard for you to come home after a weekend at Granny’s and be in our house with our routines and rules.” Then add, “I wonder if you can help me figure out what we can do to help you settle back at home?”
There should be no hollow warnings and threats. Just share the problem and brainstorm with them.
Finally, your kids are just feeling let down. It’s like coming home from sleepaway camp or going back to work on a Monday morning. Allow them their feelings, and get right back on your program. “You loved staying up late at Granny’s house. But at home our bedtime is our bedtime. If you need to be unhappy about that, it’s OK. But it is still bedtime.” Then kiss them goodnight and close the door! Yes, you may have another late night. But the next night you will put them to bed even earlier because their bodies didn’t get enough sleep the night before! No emotion added. Just a touch of reality.
Do watch your tone with the children as they challenge reentry. Be clear, be firm, and be loving and warm. Kind of like a velvet hammer. Let’s not give this one too much attention. Then it will go away.
BBB is a child development and behavior specialist in Pacific Palisades. She can be reached through betsybrownbraun.com.
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