Q:I don’t know if everyone was keeping this a secret from me before I had kids, but now that I’ve had them, oh boy, bedtime is a LOT harder that I imagined. I pictured sweetly reading the kiddos a bedtime story before tucking them in, shutting off the light and walking away. That could not be further from my experience with my 1.5 year old and 3 year old, which involves two to three books, tucking and untucking blankets, and my husband tagging in before I get too frustrated. What are some ways to ease bedtime? I don’t want to leave them crying, as it seems to set them up to stay up longer.
Hah! Bedtime and other family rituals like peaceful family meals and calm family car trips are part of pipe dream parenting. It is a real shocker when the reality of life with growing children sets in. Don’t get me wrong, there is so much that is rewarding and utterly fabulous. But there are plenty of parenting challenges that leave us gasping for air.
These are the times when I wish I offered a pre-parenting group. Not one about diaper changing, but one on how to handle the most common misconceptions about how to parent.
How interesting it is that when children are having difficulties in unrelated areas, it often manifests in troubles going to bed and to sleep. There is a very good reason for that. Our children depend upon us; they’re supposed to. We are their safety and emotional Band-Aids. And going to bed is a big separation, separation from their security, you.
I am sure you are familiar with difficulty sleeping when you have something on your mind, when your brain spins. Children are no different. But sometimes they are not really aware of what it is that is sabotaging their sleep. Sometimes difficulty going to bed and sleep is about something else. And you have to stop and think about what might be going on that is disrupting your child’s normal sleep.
We also know that children do best when the regular “have-tos” at home are defined by routine and ritual. If you always do something a particular way, when the child doesn’t have too much choice or power, the child feels safe and secure. Your bedtime routine is something that has to be unwavering, as in “We ALWAYS do it that way.” I can tell from your description above (“two or three books”) that you likely are not routinized enough. Yes, even down to the number of books, it has to be the same every night, an unwavering routine.
Start tonight and implement a routine every night with each of your children individually. (While bathing together can be great, the tuck time ritual from books to bear hugs, should be separate.)
It is even a good idea to write an “It’s Bedtime” book, one for each child. I am not talking a fancy, printed book. I mean a book you write on shirt cardboards with pictures you print on the computer or stick figures you draw yourself. Put it together with staples. In it you delineate the very specific routine, from bath to tucking in. The theme being this is how we always do bedtime. It makes your process concrete, real and expected.
Somehow you have gotten the idea that children must never cry as they drift off to night night land. Of course they are going to cry; they don’t want to separate from you! But they must not have a choice about this, or you will end up going back into the room a zillion times. Sometimes children need to cry, even as they are separating and falling asleep. Tuck that kiddo in; tell her you will be back to check her in a few minutes; go back and check in; and then be done. If she needs to cry, that is OK. You can even tell her so. The first night or two may be tough. But night three or four will blow you away. She will get it and go to sleep.
Finally, be sure to spend plenty of time with your children during their waking hours. This will offset their need for you at separation time.
Believe me, 12 years from now, you are going to write to me to ask how the heck you can get your teens up and out of bed to start their days. Different age kids, different problems! Compared to what is coming, this is a piece of cake.
BBB is a child development and behavior specialist in Pacific Palisades. She can be reached through betsybrownbraun.com.
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