QUESTION: I’m embarrassed to say that I caught my 4-year-old son kicking the family dog the other day. I was horrified and told him it was wrong, but I’m worried what he might do to the dog when I’m not watching. Is this normal or should I be worried that he’s going to harm my beloved pooch?
BBB: I certainly don’t blame you for being horrified by your son’s behavior, but let’s not leap to concerns of abnormality or psychopathology. Remember, all behavior is motivated. The trick is figuring out what is going on. On top of that, 4-year-olds are funny creatures, not always the easiest of children to parent. There is a good reason that they are referred to by some as the #@$!*ing Fours!
But first I have some questions: Is this child an only child? Is he the oldest, middle, youngest child? Is there a new baby in the house? Has anything different been going on in your family? Any visitors? Mom or dad been away or working extra-long hours?
You can tell by these questions that I suspect the dog kicking is meant for something or someone else. Often an angry child will pick on whomever or whatever he can – a younger sibling, a pet, the dear nanny. However, regardless of the reason, he does need to learn that kicking any animal or person is not okay. I am sure you made that point perfectly clear.
To underscore it, I suggest that he not be allowed in the same room as the dog for the rest of the day. So, if the family is in the den with the dog, sadly, he cannot come in because you are not sure he knows not to kick the dog. The dog gets priority seating.
In addition, your son should be given the chance to demonstrate his contrition to the dog. Ask him what he might do to make the dog feel better. Sit with him and rub his tummy? Take him for a walk? Throw his favorite ball outside?
Finally, it sounds like your little guy might need an acceptable outlet for his angry feelings. Does he have a punching bag or one of those weighted Bozo dolls that he can punch? The conversation about how people get their angry feelings out is in order.
If it is attention that he is seeking, then it might be time to pour on a little extra. There’s nothing like “special time” to cure a whole variety of ills.
Betsy Brown Braun, M.A. is a Child Development and Behavior Specialist (infants to teens), a Parent Educator, and Multiple Birth Parenting Specialist. She has taught in both public and private schools, has been a school director, and was the founding director of Wilshire Boulevard Temple’s Early Childhood Center in Los Angeles. Betsy consults with parents privately, runs parenting groups, seminars and workshops for parents, teachers, and other professionals. She is the award winning author of the best selling, “Just Tell Me What to Say” and “You’re Not the Boss of Me.” Betsy has been featured on the Today Show, The Early Show, Good Morning, America, America Now, Dr. Phil, The Rachael Ray Show, Fox and Friends. She has been a guest on NPR and regularly contributes to KNX News Radio, and radio stations nationwide. Betsy’s expertise has been cited in Parents Magazine, Twins Magazine, Family Circle, Good Housekeeping, Real Simple, and in numerous city specific newspapers and family magazines. Betsy and Ray Braun, Palisades residents for 38 years, are the parents of adult triplets and have three grandchildren, so far.
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